10 Years Later

It’s the 10 year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and those of us from or with connections to New Orleans couldn’t be more aware of it. Besides being ever present in our memories, it’s all over the news. It’s all over Facebook. Emotions of all sorts are running high – pain and anger over the memory, pride in the progress of the city, fear of the idea that it could ever happen again. But this isn’t new for us. It happens every year. People still hold their breaths all hurricane season, and feel a little raw on August 29^th.

I’ve never written anything about my experience with Katrina because, frankly, I never felt like I had anything to say. It wasn’t as devastating to my life as it was for so many people I know. I wasn’t there and to this day can’t begin to comprehend the experiences of those who were.

My parents moved me up to Chicago just a few days before the storm hit (yep, this week also marks my 10 year anniversary of living here). They evacuated as soon as they got back home – grabbed the cat, packed the car and headed out of town. My sister and some friends banded together and stayed just outside of the city, near the airport.

All in all, I was lucky. It took a few days to be able to reach my friends and family, but I was able to. And that following Christmas I went home to my house, almost untouched.

What I have struggled with hasn’t been the tragedy itself, but the lack of understanding. The guilt of not being there, of having my life remain untouched in the face of so much devastation of people in my life.

I had spent so much time in high school just waiting to get out of New Orleans, not because of the city itself but because it, in so many ways, is a small town and I needed a change. I spent my first semester of college having to defend the city I grew up in against people who didn’t understand why it should be saved, who attacked its infrastructure in ways that attacked those of us who lived there. “Why live there at all?”

I found myself trying to defend it but lacking the vocabulary. I felt guilty that I couldn’t articulate myself better. I felt stupid, especially in the face of these people who seemed so much more educated about my city. And I felt angry that they would even question its right to be saved. I was only 18, an insecure teenager just trying to start the next chapter of my life and I didn’t know how to wrap my head around everything that had happened and was happening.

Two days ago my boyfriend and I watched the New Orleans episode of Anthony Bourdain’s show The Layover. In one of the early segments he sits with Davis Rogan (the man Steve Zahn’s character in HBO’s Treme is loosely based on or inspired by). Rogan quickly goes from listing the accolades of the city and what makes it so unique to getting angry and defensive about it. He got harsh and aggressive, and I couldn’t help but cringe. I got defensive myself, thinking, “Please don’t judge my hometown based on this one abrasive person!” It’s a strange feeling but one I’ve become very familiar with. When you spend so much time feeling like you need to explain why your home deserves to be rebuilt, why it deserves to come back, how could you not? I want people to feel my city and understand why it’s special. Yes you may be tired of hearing what makes New Orleans such a treasure, I know so many people who chide us for being obnoxiously proud, and they’re quick to point out our flaws.

Thankfully I can still go home to New Orleans. The city hasn’t gone anywhere, and it will always be home: dysfunction and all.

I know I was lucky, and am lucky. And I am so, so incredibly grateful.

Clone Club, The Soundtrack Vol. 4: Helena

“Hello, sestra…”

We saved the craziest for last (for now…).

I thought making Helena’s playlist would be the hardest, but once I got started, I fell into a trippy hole of songs wrought with heavy beats, distortion, and lyrics to make you feel just on the edge of insanity.

“I dreamed we were friends.”

Be warned: in addition to driving you the brink, this music may cause oddly poignant cravings for donuts, jello, and toast.

Clone Club, The Soundtrack Vol. 3: Cosima

“I just want to make, like, crazy science with you. Totally crazy science.”

Okay, but, seriously… has anyone in the history of ever watched Orphan Black and not fallen totally in love with Cosima Niehaus? Ever?

I’ll take that as a “no.”

The adorkable west-coast pot-smoking geek monkey of the crew, there is so much more to Cosima than her sexuality (and glasses), as much as we love that too. This edition of the Clone Club soundtrack is for her. I’d like to think she’d make some crazy science to these techno beats, or just dance around the lab, arms flailing.

“Welcome to the trip, man.”

Clone Club, The Soundtrack Vol. 2: Alison

“I just wanted to say eff this, eff you… And I effed it. I effed it all up.”

It’s time for another edition of Clone Club: The Soundtrack! This week is for the pinot-drinking, headband-wearing, community-theater-diva, soccer mom herself: Mrs. Alison Hendrix.

Alison no doubt would listen to this mix in whilst angry-singing in her SUV, or while dancing around her perfect house with a glass of white in hand. So, in her spirit, I suggest you do the same.

  

Clone Club, The Soundtrack Vol. 1: Sarah

“The Clash rock!”
“Yeah, but you don’t.”

Recently, my sister gave me a fun challenge to create individual playlists for each of the main characters of Orphan Black. (If you haven’t watched it yet, go now. Right now. It’s Friday, it’s only two seasons in and it’s amazing.)

There are – as of now – four playlists in total. Today’s featured mix? None other than our resident rebel, Sarah Manning. You’re damn right.

Enjoy!

When Not at Work, Let’s Not Work

As a follow up to my last post, here’s another thought from my awesome writer friend, Brooke. Listen to her. She knows things.

Please Leave A Message At the Beep

In a recent post, Nate Archambault makes a rather compelling argument for the side project. I’m hoping to do just the opposite.

Here’s what Nate writes:

If you’re a creative person, you can’t afford to not work on a side project.

Side projects satiate creative mind in a way that a lot of today’s agency work can’t. Do one right, and it quickly becomes the center of attention.

Nate argues that agency work is less fulfilling than it used to be. For creative minds who feel uninspired at work, a side project can be a great outlet. But then again, so can a new career.

Of course, Nate isn’t the only person in advertising, or the creative/design/tech scene in general, to preach the side project gospel. And most creative people couldn’t contain their creativity to their day jobs even if they wanted. But the insistence that creative people make work…

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Stop The Glorification of Busy

Hey, world. What’s up? It’s been a while. A lot’s happened in the past six months… too much, in fact. I’ve known since high school my propensity for joining. I have lots of interests, and I like to do lots of things. Whenever I’m not doing things, I feel like I’m missing out on things (FOMO. It’s real.). But it’s not just typical ‘missing out’ on social activities that plagues me, it’s the idea that there is so much out there in the world to do and see and learn, and the more intimate quality time I spend with my Netflix queue, the less I’m fulfilling my desire to learn and see and do it all.

But, there’s a problem with that:

The more learning and seeing and doing I pack into my schedule, the less learning and seeing and doing I’m actually… doing.

It’s a hard truth for a compulsive joiner like me. You want to do it all, but if you don’t give yourself time to absorb what you’re doing, what are you doing, really?

I recently took an 8-week creative writing class at the awesome Story Studio in Chicago in attempts to jumpstart my non-work writing again, and I loved it. It was great. I met some awesome people, read some awesome work, and frankly wrote some short pieces I’m quite proud of. (Seriously, go take Creative Writing Elements with Sarah; she’s super cool, and also a fellow spin instructor!) But it was only a matter of weeks before the homework got pushed to the night before, or day of, and some reading went by the wayside. Here I was taking a class to reestablish a writing practice, and I “didn’t have time” to prepare for class each week. Between writing, spinning, running, working and traveling, I’d lost my ability to process anything I was actually doing. And frankly, it was exhausting.

I’m not free yet. In fact, I just took on a new weekly spin class. I get excited by all the things I involve myself with! But it’s a goal I’m working on, to stop being so damn busy and to start actually dedicating time to each thing I do, and to myself.

But then again, check back in a couple months and ask me what I’m up to and see if my answer doesn’t include “Oh and I’ve started taking this class…” (or something else along those lines).

On New Years Resolutions

Well, it’s 2014 now, and with a new year comes that sense of a new start, a chance to improve ourselves, our lives, and everything that goes with it. A chance to feel like we live our Pinterest lives. I’ve noticed this year, more than others past, that a lot of people have decided to stop making traditional New Years resolutions, though. I don’t know if it’s because they always seem futile or go unachieved, or if they just feel trite, but more and more I’m seeing my friends opt out of the tradition.

I, on the other hand, love New Years resolutions, for the same reason I try to give things up for Lent, even though I’m not Catholic. I love the challenge, and there’s something about these resolutions that hold me more accountable than other goal-setting situations.

So what does 2014 have in store for me?

Write More.
This year I want to write more often. My goal is to post at least one blog post a month, in addition to my playlist posts, and to send more snail mail to my friends and family. I would also love to start journaling again, and eventually to sign up for a creative writing class, but I think two tangible goals is a good start.

Gossip Less.
There is a fine line between sharing and gossiping. I understand the need to vent every once and a while, but those times when you finish talking and immediately feel guilty about what you’ve said? That’s what I’m trying to eliminate. Instead, I’d like to focus on spreading the positive about people. Be the silver lining, not the cloud.

Stop Living Paycheck to Paycheck.
Every year for the past few years, my goal has been to get out of debt. I’m still working on that one (thanks to a year+ of unemployment after college), but this year I’d like to focus on a more tangible, less lofty financial goal. I’d like to stop having to check my bank account before grocery shopping, stop draining my account every month. It’s admittedly tough to do this with a series of big-ticket items on the budget (lots of travel plans for 2014!), but it’s time to start acting like a grown up with my money, and not just spending it because I have it.

Go to At Least Two Fitness Workshops.
This year I jumped head-first into the world of Spinning, but in doing so I let my certification go down to the wire before participating in two self-study programs to keep it current. This year, I’d like to partake in at least two hands-on workshops to keep my certifications current. Yes, they’re a little expensive, but they are more rewarding than reading and taking a test.

2013 was a good year for me. I feel like I hit my stride and found what I’m supposed to be doing. Now it’s time to grow into those roles, and keep the momentum going in a positive way. Happy New Year, y’all!

Spin Playlist, Nov. 2013

Last night, after adamantly deciding to just re-use an old playlist for spin class today, I found myself doing the exact opposite of that and starting completely from scratch to create a fun, high-energy workout for this morning. After several request for sharing, here it is: November’s spin playlist and workout! Hope you enjoy, and get a good sweat on!

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This is a circuit-type workout: 4 drills, 3 songs each, back to back. Each drill includes a dynamic song (involving movement between the positions, in and out of the saddle), one climb, and one speed song. Because of the high energy and high-intensity nature of this workout, there’s a long (2-song) warm up, and a long cool down.

*Clean, radio edit available for “Work Bitch” if using for a class

The Workout
Warm Up
Sweet Emotion – Flat road, 75-80 RPM
You Make Me – Flat road, 85-90 RPM

Drill #1
Work Bitch/Work Work – 2, 3, 1: Find base in 2nd, add resistance in 3rd, then speed up in 1st at refrains
My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark – Moderate seated climb
American Girl – Fast, Fast Feet, first verse in 1st, second in 2nd, third in 3rd

Drill #2
Applause – 8- and 4-count jumps, 1st to 2nd positions
Too Close – Climb, slowly build intensity; go heavy in the saddle before going out in 3rd
Sandstorm –  Flat road, 1-minute all-out sprints starting at 00:30 and 02:30

Drill #3
Be Somebody – Low- to moderate resistance, move between 2nd and 3rd positions with the music
The Climb – Long, steady climb – add resistance slowly, building to an 8-9/10, take in 3rd toward the end
Sweet Nothing – Low resistance, just above flat road; pick up pace at pre-chorus, all-out sprint at chorus

Drill #4
Dance Apocalyptic – Fast feet, moving between 2nd at verses and 3rd at refrains
300 Violin Orchestra – Fast build, heavy climb; add consistently until reaching 8/10, take it into 3rd position and max out at 10/10 – hold here
Follow Me – Stay maxed out in 3rd position; once music starts building, peel away resistance one gear at a time, picking up the pace. After first verse, hit the saddle and find your flat road to sprint to the finish!

Cool Down
Blue Jeans Remix – Take off all resistance, bring down heart rate, ride it out and stretch

That’s The Thing About Fear

That’s the thing about fear, about phobias. When you get lax with exposures, the counseling wears off and you find yourself slipping back into old habits – old behaviors. Next week, I go back to the doctor for a full physical, and today I’m feeling really good about it. But I’m worried that next Friday I won’t be feeling so invincible.

As you all probably already know, I’ve dealt with a needle/doctor/medical phobia since I was a child, and last year I put myself in therapy for it, and it went so well that I was able to get my blood drawn nine times last summer without one incident (i.e., going unconscious). Victory! Nothing has ever made me feel so proud and so empowered.

But, after a year of no therapy, and no physicals, I found myself back in my old mindset, this time knowing that I had conquered the fear before, but feeling defeated as it had regained control of me once again. This time, therapy was hard. I did pass out, and I didn’t feel invincible. I felt discouraged, less diligent, and less motivated.

Phobia counseling is a mixture of both cognitive and exposure therapy; the exposures to desensitize yourself to the trigger, and the cognitive restructuring to change how you think about and react to fear. Because you’re never supposed to not be afraid, but rather changing how you react – mind and body – to the anxiety you feel.

Now is when I need to remind myself that it’s okay to be afraid, anxious, nervous. To want to cry at the thought of doing something I don’t like. But it’s also my time to remember how far I’ve come in the past, and that backsliding is normal. Nothing is going to go wrong, and even if it does, it’s okay.